It was Monday, January 28, 2013 at 12:04pm. I was on Day 13 of a 47 day writing project. I was on a mission. I was trying to learn how to love myself. I was told it was what I needed. I was told learning to love myself would change my life and fix all my problems. I’d come up with a plan for an emotional healing process I thought might facilitate the self love learnings I was hoping to achieve. I’d believed my planned project would take 47 days to complete – and then I’d see how I felt on Day 48.
It’s now five and one half years later. I’m still writing. I’m still learning and growing in awareness as an authentically happy, more emotionally mastered human. Obviously, my mission has taken a little longer than 47 days.
The following excerpt was from a particularly poignant moment of realization. It became my unwitting manifesto. What I wrote in a fit of desperate aggravation turned into a flash of inspiration – emerging as my declaration of passionate intent to the universe that I was not backing down. That moment was the elucidation of my commitment to make manifest the truest of my heart’s desires.
I was an emotional basket case again last night. I’m still on the roller coaster.
I’ve set a lot of intentions into motion lately. I’ve sent a lot of wounds ‘out there’ to the universe, that need to heal; a lot of negative habits and patterns in my life, out to be broken; cycles, to be brought to a halt.
Did I think they would all just magically disappear? Did I think it would be all rainbows and fucking unicorns?
I wasn’t properly prepared for what I was beginning. I had no concept how difficult and painful this process would be.
I need to talk now about things that are radical.
radical: relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something; far-reaching or thorough.
Radical change. Radical forgiveness. Radical shifts in behavior and consciousness.
I am seeking radical change in my life. I am expecting radical adjustments in my behavior. I am in great need of a radical shift in my consciousness; radical growth in my awareness; a radical jump in my personal and spiritual evolution. I do not want to go through this and do all this work to feel just a little bit better. I do not want to learn pain management or how to just control my impulses.
I want to BE better. I want to DO better and LIVE better.
Anxiety and panic attacks – will be gone. I will know forgiveness in my heart. I will make better choices. I will embody the enlightenment of my soul. My feelings will be transformed so I may look back at this time and not even remember how the sorrow, desperation and darkness felt.
Is this too much to ask? Is it too much to expect?
No, it’s not – because I can imagine it. I imagine how it feels. I see into the life of this future me. I feel her happiness. I feel her love. She is anxiety free. I can think through her mind and feel through her heart and at a fundamental level, I know everything has changed.
And her lightness of being – is palpable.
It’s Sunday, September 16, 2018 at 11:07am. Welcome to Day 48.
I’ve been anticipating this day. I’ve fulfilled my original mission to find a path to emotional mastery, healing, happiness and self love. Absolutely nothing about the process was anything I’d imagined it would be but I can finally say –
I am that girl. That future girl. The one I could imagine. The one who never gave up hope.
I’ve traveled a long road of emotional repair and recovery, at times getting stuck in the muck created by unhealed trauma, unruly emotions and anxiety and panic attacks. For a while, I was lost in unknown territory, too ashamed to pull over and ask for help, too proud, to ask for directions.
Once I experienced the healing power of discovering and embracing the truths and traumas of my story, I learned how to write a new life narrative focused on positive action in forward motion. I can’t change the past, I won’t ever forget it and – I wouldn’t want to anyway, because it’s made me who I am. But I will no longer carry it into my future.
I’ve worked hard to be able to say, “I deserve to live the light I was meant to shine”, and believe it.
We create meaningful, authentic human connections by being brave enough to wear the vulnerability of our stories as badges of honor, instead of hiding them under cloaks of shame.
Everyone has a story and everyone’s story, whether positive or negative – is important. We have to share them. We have to learn from them to disengage the shame, and heal. We have to find our way, we have to find our light, together – because the world desperately needs more happy, healthy, loving humans.
I used to damn myself for not knowing what I was doing with my life, for not knowing and living my purpose. Now, I realize this healing process has been my purpose. This road I’ve traveled and all I’ve learned and transformed, has actually been what I’ve done with my life. It has value. I know this now.